Why We Fall in (And Out) of Love
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
"Opposites attract" is a common saying used to explain how two people with different personalities are drawn to each other, and in some instances, maintain a long-lasting, loving relationship. I've used the phrase to describe my own romance. I met my fiancé when I was 22; I was Type A – competitive and self-critical. I loved art and dance, and was completely people-oriented. He was older – 27, Type B – relaxed and easy-going, and was interested in all things tech, business, and product. But, opposites attract provides only a surface-level explanation for why people end up in a particular relationship. Rather, I think it's our biological nature to choose our partners based on the predominant traits of the people who raised us. For our relationship to move beyond this initial attraction and reason we wanted them, we have to stop thinking about our partner like a flawed cliché – that they're "completing us" or are the "yin" to our "yang." We have to transition into a conscious relationship of two people wanting to grow with one another.
Falling in love is an altered state of consciousness
In Getting the Love You Want, psychologist and author Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. explains that we don't choose our partners because they're the opposite of us. Instead, we unconsciously choose our partners because they have both positive and negative traits of our previous caretakers, with the negative traits being more influential.
These traits can come in many forms, from our partner's mannerisms and how they deal with conflict to what they say and how they say it. If you ever uttered, "You sound like my mother," or "Stop treating me like a child!" you know what I mean. We unconsciously pick them to try and heal our childhood wounds, and as a result, make ourselves whole. It’s what we hear in love songs and viral wedding ceremony speeches – that our partners "complete us." I've even noticed similarities in how my mother and fiancé both respond when I tell them about a problem I'm having, both action-oriented as opposed to listening first (at least according to me). I'm constantly trying to explain that I need them both to just listen and not give advice. Is this a wound I'm trying to heal?
Coming back to reality
Unfortunately, when our mind realizes that our partners will not "heal" us or make us whole, our relationships begin to shatter – we start exiting our "honeymoon stage."
"For some reason, we enter marriage with the expectation that our partners will magically restore this feeling of wholeness. It is as if they hold the key to a long-ago kingdom, and all we have to do is persuade them to unlock the door. Their failure to do so is one of the main reasons for our eventual unhappiness."
- Hendrix, Harville, Ph.D., pg. 56
We start noticing their negative traits or project negative traits onto them, and revert to "child-like" behaviors when they aren't making us feel whole, like yelling, screaming, and withholding love. I'm guilty of this. I still remember when my fiancé and I first moved in together into a 500 sq. ft. apartment in San Francisco three years ago. When we argued, I reverted back to my child-like version of going up to my room and slamming the door, which went something like me slamming the bathroom door and taking a shower since we didn't have a bedroom door. Good times.
Comic by Sarah Anderson
This realization causes many of our relationships to fail, but also for us to fall back into the same cycle - picking someone who's similar to the people who raised us, and trying to correct or get them to fill the empty voids of the care we received. And when it doesn't happen, another breakup occurs. There's a reason why we tend to become involved with similar guys – our "type" is rooted much deeper than physical attraction and status.
There hasn't been a more clear case for this explanation than the Netflix reality show, Love is Blind. I swear it's a fascinating show. For ten days, the men and women date each other in different "pods" where they can talk to each other, but not see one another. At the end of the experiment, the men were able to propose and marry the women they had the best connection with. While there wasn't enough airtime of the participants' parents to know how the partners resembled them, it became clear in the pods that people were genuinely drawn to each other outside of how they looked with a lot of mushy, "complete me" talk. The pods contrived an altered state of consciousness, and when they came back to the real world, many started to realize that the people they chose in the pods would not complete them, and by the end of the show, only two couples married. My guess is that they are still very much in the honeymoon stage.
Transitioning into a conscious relationship
I think for our relationships to succeed, we have to transition from that unconscious state into a conscious relationship.
When you move beyond this [unconscious] stage...You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking. One reason you were attracted to your partner is that he or she had strengths and abilities that you lacked. Therefore, being with your partner gave you an illusory sense of wholeness. In a conscious partnership, you learn that the only way you can truly recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself.
- Hendrix, Harville, Ph.D., pg. 127
I've learned through my seven-year relationship that my partner isn't going to make me whole. I have to work on myself and strengthen my own self-awareness to make me a better person. Your partner can be a resource, but to put the burden on them to fix your weaknesses is a recipe for failure.
Harville explains the best ways to make this transition is through increasing our presence, this can be through journaling, meditation, and practicing effective and calm communication to support the other person. Essentially, the more ways you can get rid of your ego, the better chance your relationship has to last.
The truth is, at least for me: falling in love is great, but the beauty and satisfaction of being in a relationship comes from the hard work it takes to move beyond myself. To be there for my fiancé and for us to feel empowered to change and grow with each other is more important than us being each other’s better half.
